It’s All About Discipline

Since I’ve taken on a personal weight loss challenge, I find that the first step (after mental preparedness) is always easiest! However, the second and following steps become more challenging. It took me a few days to adjust to drinking beverages that did not contain sugar, but that being the first step became easier and is now second nature! One thing I have noticed since then though is my mind has gravitated towards starchy foods (like pretzels, crackers, etc). Though I never over indulged in them, I noticed the game our mind plays on “what it wants”. Having to make that deliberate effort not to eat carbs/starchy foods has proved to be more difficult than I thought. I think the reason why, is because carbs are in everything we eat and so available today. One thing that I believe will help me in this area, is getting back to work. I am hoping to have my 3rd interview in the next few days with a cell company here. Since that was also my last job, it should be an easy learning curve and get me back into a natural routine. On top of that, one of my key priorities as of right now, is to get a one year gym membership. This is what I am really looking forward to. I tend to do really well when I am on a regular exercise routine (which I haven’t been able to do in several years). This change will also allow me to buy my own foods.  Living the past several months  as a one income family, it is amazing what kind of foods you buy because “that’s what you can afford”. Extender foods (potatoes, breads, etc) are terrible for those trying to lose weight!

By the way, I haven’t weighed yet, so out of pure humiliation and pure honesty, I am going to share what I know I weighed in September (though I know I gained more during Oct & Nov). In September, I weighed 330 pounds. I never thought I would ever see the 300 pound mark, and for the past 3 years I have been going back and forth over that line! So when I based my goals on my last weight loss blog, I was basing my goals from this weight. My first goal was to lose 80 lbs in a year. This would average out to 20 lbs every 3 months, which seems to me be obtainable. Therefore, it is my hopes to weigh in every 3 months.  This would keep me from playing the daily scale game, which only sets me up for failure.  (Our scales are in storage in Arkansas, so this will be easy).   My first weigh-in should be March 31st; if my starting weight was correct I should have met the goal of 310. By the end of the year I should weigh 250 lbs. (I haven’t weighed that in nearly ten years, so that would be an amazing end year milestone). The following year 2010, I would evaluate the situation, but hopefully set another 80 lb goal, bringing me to 170-175. It has been so long since I have been this size I am not sure if this will be my final target goal, but I figured it’s far enough off not worry myself with it now.  I have to commit myself to the process &  to discipline myself to meet the small goals first. One of my greatest challenges has also been the Behcet’s Syndrome (an auto-immune disease) I have. But I am hoping that endurance will also help in giving me a healthier life. So until the income starts coming in, I am challenging myself now to watch the carb intake, reducing calories, and walking during the warmer days! I am praying for a successful year!

Book Reads of the Past Year

I read many books throughout the year.  I read so many, that at times I forget to keep track of all that I read.  Looking back over this past year, today, I decided to write down some of the books  that I do remember reading.  Some of these books you will notice I put ^ in front of, where books I re-read (hoping to gain new insights or to rekindle old passions).  As of today (January 15, 2009) I am reading  ” Jonathan Edwards for Amrchair Theologians” by James P Byrd.   I read books for various reasons (enjoyment, recommendations, out of curiousity, etc.)  Here area  few books I read in ‘08 and now into ‘09 !  ** Indicates the book was highly impactful in my life! 

Letters To An American Lady – C.S. Lewis
Team of Rivals – Doris Goodwin
Why? – Anne Graham Lotz
The Shack – William P Young
**The Gift of Prophecy – Wayne Grudem
**Facing Terror – Carrie McDonnall
Rumors of Another World – Philip Yancey
**Basic Christianity – John W. Stott
**The Cost of Discipleship – Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Epic Center – Joel C. Roesenberg
The Copper Scroll – Joel C Roesenberg
The Ezekiel Option – Joel C Roeesenberg
To Be Told: God Invites You to Co-Author Your Future – Dan B Allender
Prophecy 20/20 – Chuck Missler
In Defense of Israel – John Hagee
Escape the Coming Night – David Jeremiah
^I Know Why the Cage Bird Sings – Maya Angelou
He Speaks To Me – Priscilla Shirer                                                                                   

Lord, I’m Torn Between Two Master’s – Kay Arthur
**^Spiritual Disciplines For the Christian Life – Donald S. Whitney (I read this one over from time to time to rekindle my passions).
The New Temple & Second Coming – Grant Jefferies
God, Do You Really Care? – Tony Evans                                                   

***^A Grief Observed – C.S. Lewis

The Race Set Before Me…

This past May, I started a diet. I had great determination and was making progress. However, on the 4th of July I fell down a flight of stairs. I landed full weight on the top of my foot (on a cement slab below).  The whole incident kept me from walking for nearly a month.  With the pain and frustration, I had a major set back.  I wasn’t able to put the exercise with the diet.  Unintentionally I veered away from the diet plan, and went right back into nervous eating.  I gained all of my weight back plus some.  In November I was completely tired of the feeling of the weight around my neck.  I also realized about that time how much of my calories come from what I drink.  At that time (just before Thanksgiving) I resolved that I would cut out calories first by my fluid intake.  Looking at that alone I realized I cut out over half of my daily calories (I drink a lot)!!  Little by little I noticed there were slight changes.  I did fairly well through the Holidays, although there was homemade fudge and other candies in the house.  By far I didn’t eat my normal holiday calorie intake.  Once the holidays were over the sugar thing was even less of a challenge.  I know that I would like to lose about 160 lbs.  This would put me slightly above an ideal weight, but I feel it could be obtainable.  One of my greatest challenges is not having the resources and accountability I need.  However, I have resolved in myself that by making a public declaration for others to see, I will allow that to drive me to transparency and accountability.  I know about what I weighed in September, and I haven’t weighed since then.  I know I did gain weight after that time.  Right now I am just going to keep doing what I am doing, until I can weigh myself.  Once I weigh myself I will know if I am at that September weight or larger (even after the small loss I do notice).  When I get the weigh in I intend to post my weight, goal weight, and progress on regular basis.  I have watched so many people these past few years beat/overcome their battles; and for once in my life I am tired of others gaining the success I never achieve.  I resolve this year to start by losing 75-80 lbs.  This would only be half of my weight goal, but if I meet this goal alone I will have made that much of a victory.  Years of bottled up things have gotten me to this point in life, so I know the challenge is greater than I imagine, but I resolve to make this year count!  I am asking the Lord to help me on this journey, to rid me of my eating habits, to discipline me in my thinking/reacting, and to make me honest and transparent with myself and others.  Please pray that I am obedient to the Lord’s direction and rebuke in my personal time in the Word, in my personal walk, and the overall weight loss journey.  Pray that He will uphold me, and that I will look to Him for strength in the times of desperation!  Here’s to a long road, the race is on!  Pray you see a skinner, physically healthier, and more spiritually mature man! 

The Idea Behind CR – Final Blog

Carpenter’s Refuge
“A Safe Place To Grow & Be Built”

Many people who grow up in a faithful church home, do not realize what life on the outside looks like for the unchurched.  They do not realize the nurturement they have recieved in their local church, has put them on  a much more privelaged plain than others.  In “healthy” churches, believers are taught the scripture in it’s context, and their personal giftings and callings are nurtured in the local body.  However, there are people like me that deeply desire to understand the Word, but hide their Bible illiteracy.  There also many unchurched  people who are deeply hardened by how they see the church living, in light of the message that it preaches.  Many people are afraid of various Biblical teachings/denominations  because of their lack of exposure to them (this is true inside and outside the church).  Many people have teachings so ingrained into their mind that they can’t even see outside of their own beliefs/traditions to reach or even to recieve others. 

The idea of “Carpenter’s Refuge” came to me probably before I had returned to Bible college the second time.  I saw drifters come in and out of churches that looked as uncomfortable as I had been in my childhood and early teens.  I have seen so many church/unchurched people hurt by church infighting/politics/doctrines (etc.) that I have vowed that I will commit my life in trying to find  a neutral ground to disciple others.  The philosophy of “Carpenter’s Refuge” is the idea of  Christ Himself stepping into our lives and give us a “safe place to grow and  be built”.  Not only had I seen Biblical discipleship abandoned in many church communities I was either member of or visted, I had also seen the giftings of Christian’s neglected.  We have all of the Biblical giftings which come from above and the personal giftings/interests (singing,writing,speaking,etc) which we can use for His glory. 

With the ideas and heart behind my vision, I see that  a Carpenter’s Refuge Ministry could take on  many forms.  The biggest idea I have would be to open store-front buildings in towns all over America (much like the launcher of Curve’s did).  In these store fronts I would have a coffee shop,sandwich, bookstore, free high speed internet access, possibly radio stations, workout rooms, open mic nights, etc. (The ideal place would be old empty malls) This idea in itself is not new, but what the difference is, would be this.  These buildings would be open seven days a week, and would have class rooms (or ability to have gatherings) in which Church community leaders could come and teach FREE  basic to seminary level lecture/discussion classes.  The purpose would be to have access for every person to come and feel the freedom to be developed spiritually/Biblically.  This would allow for various denominations to also share their varying opinions to help and individual, decide for themselves their interpretive lenses as well!   Also, it would be a youthful atmosphere to keep kids out of trouble giving them Christian places of fellowship in their town.  This would also allow for neutral places for minister’s to do personal discipleship, minister to minister networking, and an outlet for Christian musician’s to travel to an perform. 

This is a dream, but not the only dream I have; for I am still being built, trained, and guided by Christ!  He is molding and shaping my destiny, and He may once again, have plans I have yet to understand!   But in the meantime- I am to lead others to the Refuge, so the  Carpenter may continue His master work!

The Ideas Behind CR – VIII

Well the new adventure living in Arkansas wasn’t quite what I had expected.  Having trouble finding work in the NW Arkansas area, my hopes of attending Gordon Conwell Theological Seminary was on the back burner.  I now had a college student loan debt, no job, and my family was recovering from the divorce and deaths in the family. Shortly after we moved we got the news from the IRS, that my mom owed them nearly $6,000.  This would be a financial burden to anyone, but especially someone that had always paid in extra, but even harder for someone that had just gone through a divorce supporting a family of three adults and had just lost both parents.  We were shocked to learn what had happened.  In the year 2005, right before my father had disappeared with his mistress, he had filed my  parents tax return seperate and had changed the donation amounts and overall amount on my mom’s IRS return.  He had gotten the check drafted to his account, and that is the check he and his mistress had left on.  My mom had realized at the time he got the check, but it wasn’t suppose to be as much as he calculated and she thought of it as her loss.  But now, she was being forced to repay the real amount he had gotten in the return, plus major penalties.  It was one of the most humiliating thing my mother or I had ever gone through.  Though we were able to prove our innocence, she was still legally responsible to repay the debt. Immediately we cashed in her retirement plans, and made monthly payments, and by the grace of God finally was able to repay it.  About the same time we learned that my dad had done some similiar shady business with my brother’s Social Security disability.  My brother lost his benefit’s, income, and epilepsy medication (for nearly a year).  Because of the stress and the medication problems, my brother started having the worst grand mal seizures he had ever had in his life.  One night he had one in his room, and an entertainment system and TV fell on him.  When I heard the noise and came into the room, he was laying in a pool of blood completely still with and entertainment system on his head, a tv on his back.  I feared the worst.  Thankfully, I was able to get the system off him in time, and call 911.  He had also contracted MRSA about the same time and he was in the hospital having surgeries mutliple times.  I had never felt the lower  in my whole life.  My mother started having to pay for his medications $600 a month.  We spent our first winter there temporarily without heating.  I felt so helpess. 

Thankfully God worked everything out and by the summer I got 2 jobs on the same day.  I got a job at a Christian bookstore and an AT&T store.  Within about 4 months, the Christian bookstore (private owned), but a sign on the window announcing the store closing.  I had just turned down an assistant management job at AT&T (I enjoyed having both jobs).  Thankfully I was offered the position again and took the assistant manager position.  About January 2008, my mother was feeling led to move to Tennessee.  We prayed about it, and asked the Lord to make His will plain.  We visited a few times, and it seemed things were pointing in this direction.  Again, not wanting to make a unsensible move, weeks before she was to accept a job position, I was praying about giving  a three week notice at my job.  I had budgeted to stay on three more weeks, and was applying for jobs in the Knoxville, TN area. I had hopes of making a smooth transition.  That very morning after praying about it and going to work, the owner’s of the store walked in and told us that they had sold our stores, and that effective at the end of the day we were no longer employed.  This hit me out of no where!  I could go through a rehiring process, only to work three weeks, but felt the Lord had made His will plain.  Within three weeks my family packed up our belongings, but our furniture in a storage facility in the Knoxville, TN area. We did not have a home, and were staying with some friends.  This was a hard challenge for me, I am a giver not a reciever (by nature).  But once again God brought me to my fears, and showed me that He is the author of perfect peace!  Within weeks we found a home just south of Knoxville, where we now live.  Shortly after a close family member back in Arkansas was killed and ejected in a car wreck.  Though he was my mother’s cousin, he had been like a father figure to my brother and I during our life’s transitions.  

Daily I have learned to rely on the grace of Christ to get me through the circumstances of life.  That is what the trials are all about!  However, I do believe we as the Body of Christ can help people develop spiritually, emotionally, physically, mentally, and in their life purpose/calling. 

I have shared these trials along with my desire to learn, for two reasons.  First of all, trials can serve as distractions and can hinder our spiritual development out of  our despair of circumstances or numb us to personal pursuit.  Secondly I share thes trials to show how some of the trials and personal struggles were uncessary.  While some were unpreventable and part of God’s master development, the rest came out of lack of support and guidance (which I will share my hopes/ideas to help others avoid such pitfalls)! 

After my theology classes, I come to the realization  that I had the foundational training in continuing my quest of  knowledge privately.  But I was really wanting to experience it in community.  You know that iron sharpening iron kind of thing.  But I kept finding myself in that place seeing that the average Christian is either not capable of discussing Biblical truth (because of proper discipleship), or had no desire in their heart for Biblical understanding (groping along in life by the emotional highs and lows). Before my college years, I had a heart for discipleship, but as I had learned from my own quest for Truth, I was beginning to see how vital discipleship was.  Many years before, I had the idea of “Carpenter’s Refuge” birthed out of my own experiences.

The Ideas Behind CR – Part VII

About the time of Hurricane Katrina, I was doing a practicum for my psychology minor at a nursing home. A few weeks after the divorce a resident informed me that my father was living in the Texas Panhandle.  In the meantime my grandfather called and told us he had just learned that my dad and his woman had moved to my mom’s hometown (where he lived).  At that point we resolved to move on with our life, he had made it clear the communication lines would not be opened, and all we could do was trust God for the timing (which still hasn’t been realized despite the efforts).  In the eighteen month period, I had lost my uncle, my grandmother, my parent’s marriage, a personal relationship with my dad.  In that same time period (my senior year) my grandpa died in my arms in a hospice in Amarillo, Texas.  My family & were also in a place financially that we were forced to sell the home that my parents had built just 18 months before.  I was completely exhausted emotionally, but spiritually I was starting to soar above it all!  My mom had been sick prior to my grandpa’s death and the day after his funeral we headed back to Dallas.  My mom’s conditioned worsened on our way home and I had to rush her to the hospital in Lancaster where she worked.  The doctors came in and told us that he wasn’t sure my mom wasn’t going to make it.  Nurse friends surrounded my mom and her colleagues and I prayed.  Within hours of prayer, mom was back and had to be watched for the next month. I didn’t know how we would emotionally hold up under the pressures.  My mom had decided it would be for her good to move to Arkansas where her dad had grown up, and where she still had a nest of distant family still living.  My last semester the two classes that I got the most out of were Old Testament Theology, Teaching the Scriptures, and Psychology of Religion(s).  In OT theology I had to write several lengthy papers and teach the theological themes of Daniel, Ezra, and Nehemiah.  My family got the news our home sold within days of it being on the market.  We had looked for homes in the Dallas area, but things always fell through.  We started our search in Arkansas.  I was writing my papers between stops at rental homes and drives to Arkansas.  One thing I got out of Daniel is how you never see God interacting verbally or directly, yet He remains in control of circumstances.  I took one theme of the book to be the “sovereignty of God”.  I had seen got Sovereign in my life (without violating my personal free will) growing up and had a deep sense and belief of it.  I was blasted for being a hardcore Calvinist (which I don’t claim to be).  But I had to evaluate where I got the belief from, and I realized it had been the trials I had been through.  God had used my broken dreams, the trials, lack of knowledge and all to bring about my ultimate good.  Though some in that class opposed, many were left also questioning their view of God, I gained great friendships from that time in my life!  Long story short, we sold our home and by April we were moved.  I came back to Texas and finished the semester strong and then graduated!  God had sustained me, but new adventures were on the horizon!

The Ideas Behind CR – Part VI

The last 18 months of college were the most excruciating, yet at the same time the best years of my life.  My grandmother had been one of those people that never slept in, never went a day without getting dressed or opening the shades.  She was a person always full of love, and though she never was able to go to college, she spent her days reading and doing crossword puzzles, one of the wisest and yet humble women I have ever met!  My grandpa on the other hand was a very protective, loving, giving, and willing to teach us anything he knew.  They gave me the perfect balance in life that a grandparent could give.  With her gone, I knew my grandpa, family, and myself were in a time where there was going to be deep void.  Days after she had passed away, my friend and I attended a Gideon’s Bible Conference.  Little did I know, the experience would change my life (for the positive). Haddon Robinson was the guest speaker at the conference.  He preached the morning service on the three-part parable of Luke15.  It was the most refreshing experience of my life. I had never heard the gospel presented in a better way, He was a dynamic speaker.  The message left the listener with the idea of how God views a lost sinner…he values (like the coin), pities (like the sheep), and loves unconditionally (like the son).  Amazing!  Then after the message we were to scatter out through downtown Dallas to distribute Gideon Bibles.  I had done street ministry in downtown Dallas for many years with college buddies, but this fresh message on my heart…I felt the Holy Spirit driving me to value, pity, and love everyone I met!  My friend’s dad was a Gideon, and each was to take a foreign family from the conference out to dinner.  So after a refreshing ministry, we had the best fellowship with a foreign family!  They had just been through and spent the night Shamrock, Texas- the small town I was born in.  How God order’s our lives amazed me!  Then after the event filled day, we were to head back to the conference room to have the final sermon.  To my excitement Haddon was the speaker again!  This time he started out teaching Luke 15 all over again.  My friend and I looked at each other confused, “you think he forgot he just got threw preaching this in the last conference?”  To our relief, he was giving a recap of the message, and then he dug into a message in a completely different manner than he had in the morning service, equally as rewarding.  Haddon at this preached a Narrative version of the parable, depicting these visual images Christ taught in this parable.  At the very end when he visited the portion of the parable of the prodigal son, the crowd was silence.  He never railed anyone on their lives, he simply preached the gospel and the power of it alone convicted!  I finally had it, a message that delivered without having to “read something into or out of the scriptures”.  It wasn’t fluff, it wasn’t opinion, it was the undefiled gospel and it changed me!  The last message left us with the idea that we could be like the hardened Pharisees (toward the Gentiles at that particular moment) and be just as lost!  Had we past judgment on those who had snubbed the gospel on the streets that morning, had I acted in judgment to other brothers and sisters in Christ?  Had I put myself in a prideful position on the way that I was walking with Christ?  Wow, the thoughts came one after another!  The Holy Spirit was pricking the hearts and minds of the congregation!  This is what was missing from everything I had been searching for.  The next semester proved equally promising. I got a professor that everyone deemed as one of the hardest professor’s on campus.  Because of that lack of Biblical knowledge growing up, I have to admit I was a bit worried. But day one of Scripture and Ethics class was so awesome!  As time progressed I learned that hard classes were exactly where I needed to be.  We had to start writing a paper on sanctification, definitely a great topic to study under this kind of atmosphere.  Brother Rosdahl had blessed my life right off the bat.  He was a true teacher and day after day I was beginning to gain more and more answers to my questions (that I had all my life).  The next semester I followed up 2 classes with him in Interpreting the Bible and History of Christianity.  I must say these classes left the most impact on my life next to Haddon’s sermon and my salvation experience.  What was wrong with my experience with the messages in chapel and the churches I attended?  It had to do with interpretation of the Bible!  What I was tired of had been people allegorizing scripture (which actually gives you the license to read anything in and take anything out of the Bible).  No wonder Christ warned us that in the last days there would be many false teachers!  At the last semester of my Jr year, my dad never came home from work.  My mom, brother, classmates, and I frantically looked for him for days.  We feared the worst, this was not like my dad at all.  Days later we discovered him getting into a car with a woman.  I felt it my gut that it was an affair, but gave him a chance to reason.  He came home for a few days, and I was scheduled to head out to check out a Grad Seminary with a friend in Boston.  While I was gone, I felt the tensions in my family.  I knew something was brewing, and again that gut instinct was correct.  My mom and brother went on a scheduled family vacation to Gatlinburg without my dad.  When we returned to give him his souvenir, we found that he had moved into an apartment with the woman we saw him with.  He never told my mom or us that he wanted a divorce.  My brother and I were distraught, but my dad was angrier that he was caught, and got violent.  Embarrassingly my dad ended up in jail that day! How in the world does stuff like this happen?  With my head held as high as I could I went on to finish my last year of school, not knowing if I would have to quit because of the new financial strains!

The Ideas Behind CR – Part V

My return to college seemed to be a time of great adventure.  At the very beginning I lost my grandmother (dad’s mother) just prior to Christmas Even 2002.  It was a tough time on the family and I was really learning how short and fragile life really is.  Though she had not been a supporter of my decisions on Bible college, I did have time to make peace with her, recieving her blessings just before her passing.  That fall in the months before her death I had gotten out of the optical business. I had taken on a job of home schooling & tutoring a Professor’s two adopted sons.  One of the children had just been adopted from Russia, and let me tell you the whole is experience with both kids was a joy (but definitely a lot of responsibility, with myself in school).  Several months after taking this position, a once in a lifetime position (a job I had dreamed of from childhood) literally fell into my lap.  I got the chance to be a road manager for a local Christian musician originally from Canada.  My plate was very full, but in it all I continued on my real quest to gain more knowledge of God & His Word!  When I got the job, I knew God had been mindful of those childhood dreams and that dreams are given for a reason.  These were  awesome responsibilities, but knew the main lesson it all was to grow in my trust and knowledge of Him.  God’s way of growing us is an amazing thing, He places things in our life we can in no way conjure up on our own.  Sometimes though they seem overwhelming, they are ultimately meant for our good and especially our spiritual growth in Him.  Socially over stimulated (with great friends at school) and responsibilities heavy, I really began to have things begin to bother me spiritually.  It seemed the messages I heard in ministry were really starting bother me.  What was it? I just couldn’t place on it.  The year went by I started reading popular books in the Christian world and found myself even more puzzled by the content, why does some of this seem so shallow, so empty.  I set myself in the direction of most Pentecostal and charismatic reading about spiritual revivals and all the theology that goes along with it.  Though many of the stories I heard excited me and encouraged me in faith, I still found emptiness.  2004 started off as a rocky year for me. My uncle (by marriage) had died of complications with MS on his 40^th birthday and left my aunt widowed with three little girls to raise.  Their dad had pulled me aside a few months before and asked me to always guide them spiritually if he couldn’t.  With a lump in my throat I knew the time was approaching.  After his death we spent naturally spent more time with my aunt and the kids as they picked up the broken pieces of their lives.  Part of me felt I was now responsible for the guidance of not only two kids I home schooled (parents were divorced), but also these three girls.  About the same time my grandma (and best friend) had found out she had cancer and had to have a mastectomy, her health had wavered over the years and I was fearful of the worst.  My family had just built a home in Waxahachie near the college, and though the responsibilities were heavy, I felt like my life was at an all time high.  My parents marriage was the best I had ever seen it in my life.  And the in June 2004, the unspeakable happened.  My mom,  aunt, grandpa, and I had been in Amarillo with my grandma’s heath when they gave us the news she didn’t have long to live and needed to be put on hospice.  She squeezed my hand and sobbed uncontrollably saying “I’m not ready to leave my babies”.  She had overcome odds in the past and the doctor told us we had some time, so that night my grandpa went home to get his medications.  In the middle of the night my mom called, my grandma had a seizure and died with my mom and aunt at her side.  Devastating news for me, the person I looked up to most in life (next to my grandpa and parents) was gone.  I retreated inwardly (a natural thing I do when I am overwhelmed).  I had already painfully followed the Lord’s guidance to give up the road manager position the fall before, now I felt I must lighten my load once more.  That summer I resigned my home-schooling duties, it was equally painful to give up. Though the time left me broken, I was determined to finish my last 2 years of school. Those last two years of school would become the most rewarding, but also the most painful of it all!

Ideas Behind CR – Part IV

 

We had been living in a military town when I remember my prayer journaling really seem to be at a peak level.  I knew I was at a crossroad in my life.  I could just neglect the studies and take an easier route, or press in and see what God would have for me.  Looking back, I still see the images vividly.  One particular night, the local military base was shooting their ritual artillery and the pictures were literally rattling off the wall.  It felt like a war was going on around me, but deep inside that same war was raging.  I remember pouring out my heart in prayer that day in my journal, but I never knew that I would revisit the prayer (I don’t always go back and read what I write…it’s kind of like leaving it at the feet of Jesus, other times I feel compelled to revisit some of my prayers and in doing so see progress where I had thought there was none. We lived in Killeen when 9/11 hit, I was working at a door factory at the time.  Right after 9/11 occurred is when my family moved to Temple to make for an easier commute to our families jobs.  By this time I had pioneered a pre-teen ministry in a local church called the GAP (God’s Anointed Pre-teens).  This was only a volunteer basis, but the experience left me yearning to learn even more.  By this time the door was paved for me to return to school.  School was much different, but I was older and definitely a more serious student.  During the end of my sophomore year I had changed my major from Youth Ministry to Church Ministry with a minor in counseling psychology.  I was also pursuing a media degree (which I regretfully chose financially not to finish).   In one of those media classes we were to write a personal poem and perform it before the class.  I am not good at the “performing” part and was nervous, “What in the world would I share??”  So I searched my prayer journals for past experiences I had, thinking something would jar my memory.  And most naturally I stumbled on the prayer I had made in Killeen.  To my surprise a journalist was there interviewing my teacher for an accomplishment she had made.  Then we had to perform in front of this person.  The lady kept me after class and shared that the poem spoke to where she was, and asked if she could publish in the local paper.  Looking back at the poem now, I see really that it is something we can all relate to on our road to sanctification.  We expect our justification = the here and now; but the truth is it looks much like an explanation I once heard.  “Justification is when we were put in right standing before God, sanctification is the lifelong process to receive His gift for justification, that gift it called glorification, when we may see Him as He is!”  With that I share this, may you and I surrender our white flags only to the Victor of the Fight!

 

The Raging  Battle

There’s a battle raging in my soul,
There’s a need to be made whole.

As I face this battle tonight,
You be the victor of my fight.

As I hear the cannon’s boom,
All I can feel is fate’s doom.

Before I entered the battle ground,
I had faith and knew where I was bound.

But through the trials and the tears,
My mind came captive to fear.

So as I remain a captive here,
Bring your presence near.

I came thinking I was full proof.
But what was I trying to prove?

You’re the Master of the fight,
Save me and hold me tight.

This white flag I was ready to raise,
But now I see it’s won and you I’ll praise.

The Ideas Behind CR – Part III

My college years were a turbulent time in my life, I had so many outside forces pulling at me, and I brushed them off as distractions from the enemy of our soul, trying to keep my from following the God of Truth!  My first few days I was nervous, but I gained friendships immediately!  Many remain to this day!  I can’t say I handled every trial correctly, but I tried to not let them get to me!  What I hadn’t told you is about a year before I left for college, my parents had filed for divorce and it was devastating news to me.  After I was baptized, my whole family followed pursuit in rededications and my brother in first time salvation.  We all had been serving in the Baptist Church, and shortly after the split in the church, the news came.  I had a hard time leaving my family behind in a broken state, but God’s Word guided me in that effort!  So with that heaviness & the fact much of the family didn’t like the fact that I was a “Holy roller” I pushed on.  Shortly after I was there I face immense trials. Some I will share, many I will not either for the weight of subject or to protect other people. 

Right off the bat, my motor of my car blew up on the way from my job at a church in Dallas (right before my first night class, which I was forced to miss).  From there I got the news a friend back home had been decapitated in a wreck.  My family life back home was a mess & there were lots of issues that led me to write a letter to my family that I did not feel it was the will of the Lord for them to divorce. I was honest, at that point I didn’t care if they did or didn’t but I felt the Lord lay it heavy no my chest.  The last sentence was, “I felt I had to say it because life is short and you never know when something could happen to one of us (thinking of my friend’s recent death).  Little did I know that those words would look like a prophetic warning to us all!  A few days later there was a family reunion in another state, low and behold it was fall break and a classmate of mine lived in the same town where it was.  So we split the gas and went.  While there things seemed distance, I suspected it was the letter.  After the reunion was over we headed back to school to finish the semester.  A few days after we were back, I got the news that a tragedy had occurred back home.  I was devastated I thought of elderly family and also thought of my parents fragile conditions in regards to their personal lives.  When I finally got the call, it was my dad.  I had always been a protector of my younger brother who had learning challenges and epilepsy growing up.  He was in Special ED classes and his senior year was working as a groundskeeper (picking up trash) at a slaughter house as part of his school program.  The news was that my brother had been gored in the groin and the horn had gone all the way to the tip of his heart, and that he was in emergency surgery at the hospital.  My father hadn’t even told me which hospital, Amarillo had several.  There were no more details than that, I was left stunned.  I remember going outside alone and sitting on a bench in front of the new building at our school, I felt something inside myself turn him over to God, just like Abraham did Issac.  I gave God permission to take him home if that was his ultimate will.  If you’ve ever had to give up a young person, you know what that gut wrenching feeling was like.  But like Abraham, I found that unconditional sacrifice rewarded in the morning call.  My mother called and told me that Travis actually had to be revived as they were calling me and the rest of the night was touch and go.  Travis had some major surgeries, patched the hole in his stomach, and they said the horn had missed his heart by a measurement as thin as a piece of paper.  He was hospitalized for a month, and I didn’t get to see him until the last week.  It was tough, but I kept my pursuit of my studies and was progressing faster than I could ever imagine.  There was another tragic death about that time, my grandmother’s best was hit by a car while walking across the street to her granddaughter’s wedding reception.  The news kept piling on, another classmate was killed along with her husband, the babies survived. On and on it went.  I had lots of health problems prior to all this too, and I would soon learn that my health problem was an auto-immune disorder called Behcet’s syndrome.  It is a blood/immune disorder and if you were to know the symptoms you would learn one of the symptoms is ulceration and sores on the skin.  I had nickname as a kid (because of health problems and tragedies) but I never knew why people called me it.  When I read the name in the Bible (yrs before) I had only thought of it like to the title given to work J-O-B. But as I had grown I knew who they had nicknamed me for, and for the first time in my life I felt like I could truly relate to him.  Losing my home in a tornado (as a child) with my family and I in it on down to losses and the health problems.  But I wanted to remain steadfast like Job, and all that would go through my head was a phrase “Chris, you never know when someone is walking in the light of the fire that you are in”.  Before school let out my parents had decided to get back together, I was so excited!!  God had done great wonders in my life, the suffering had immediate rewards…however, as the semester closed I learned that I could not get a loan for my next semester.  That was the worst news of all!  I was growing in leaps and bounds and God’s Word was more vibrant than ever. I got a job as an optician and sat out the semester. 

My health declined, and then my family moved to Killeen Texas.  I decided to improve my health and to save money to return to school it would be in my interest to move with them.  I think I expected God to reward the faith once more, but it was much longer this time.  I worked and worked and saw no end in site to be able to return.  I knew kids at school whose parents were forcing them and I asked God why He would allow me, I was hungry.  But in 2002, my age had opened new doors for loans and grants, and I had saved up some money and I returned to school. This time I was a much more mature student and was even more earnest to learn.